iluvmarkbailey

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 01:32:29 GMT

oh my god
who am i?
who am i? and where am i?
its hard to believe last week I was in Istanbul
and this week Im driving 70mph down I69 alone with no cars surrounding me

In my life Ive never felt so alone and so free.
But the problem is I dont recognize myself
Because Im here, and everything is the same
everything except me

I mean, I just spent the last three months learning one of the very very oldest cities of the world
I just spent three months in constant translation mode, learning tens of new things each day
This summer I sat on old rooftops and cobblestone streets smoking cloves, drinking beer and avoiding creepy old men who follow me home from work and ether heads that try to jump my friends in the street.
When I woke up in the morning I saw alleys that smelled worst than any stench Ive known in michigan and a garbage truck came every night at 1:30 am to wake me in my sleep.
Saturdays I went out to Reina where I stared at Asia, while drinking $25 vodka redbulls in Europe.
I met beauty this summer in a way Ive never known it.
And I come back here to my silent house, and my parents and brother who are all identical to the way they were when I left.
My room--the same
My boyfriend--though he may have gotten handsomer, nevertheless the same
My friends-- all the same (carley still gets too drunk and falls on the floor at the bar)

Last time I checked, three months was a significant amount of time. Things--life altering things happen during this much time!
So why was it on Saturday when I came into chicago and spent time with people I hadnt seen in months, that it was so easy to communicate? No awkwardness, no new news. Sure, little things had happened, but me-- and this sounds so selfish (this entire entry) but me...why have I changed so much?

Its sad to me, that I did all of this, this summer...
Because its as if it never happened.
I had no friends this summer to experience anything with me
and maybe thats what makes me the saddest and completely devalues everything I just did...
Its as if it never happened, because to everyone around me... it didnt.
I was gone for a significant amount of time and the world still spun.
Life here continued on without me as if it had never known me at all...
its a very weakening feeling to think that every person in my life is completely capable of existing without me at all.
:)
I shouldnt be so serious or so self centered... but its something to think about. There is not one person in my life that does not continue on without me being around.
Maybe its empowering?
Who knows.
There are some times I take myself so seriously.
If I dont like something, or dont want to do something, I place so much vallue on what my own opinion is to other people.
This summer has taught me to get over myself

This world is huge and it has been this way for far longer than I have ever existed
far longer than my parents
grand parents
great grandparents

So I guess all I learned this summer is to get over myself
do what makes me happy
stop being so serious
and recognize the potential within myself
and within the world
because I am in such a small bubble right now.
It pains me to know how much I will never experience
but I need to lighten up

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 19:47:44 GMT

Sweet lord
I wish there was someone else here with me right now who understood what everything I see here is so strange.
Every day I drive to work.
I take the E-5 from Bakirkoy to Sisli and turn right to get to Balizza. I park underneath the building, go to work for 10 hours where I sit around people who are talking about me most of the time because they think I cant understand them, at 7 o'clock, I go back down to the basement get in my car and drive back home.
Its such a routine, but in a weird way I kind of crave it.
Im starting to see the regulars who sell things in between the slow moving lanes of traffic. Things like, green plumbs, and cell phone chargers... but then there is always one thing I see that I can not figure out.
Somewhere right after Merter, there is always this man standing there selling a 'scream' mask. The kind they used in the movie.
The first time I saw this, I burst out laughing to myself and was like "what the hell is this!? I have got to buy it just because it is so weird"
But the more I drive around, the more 'scream' masks I see being sold on the side of the road.

I mean, how can people not find it absolutely and completely bizarre?!

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 10:56:41 GMT

I cant through a day here without my grandma and my aunt asking me when Im getting married.
You may think Im exaggerating but trust me, Im not.
A week or so ago, I was talking with them about Nate and of course, the first question they asked was 'have you discussed marriage?'
Of course Nathan and I have discussed marriage. He is ready and Im not.
Im only 22 and it seems that marriage is something that should happen when you are ready to devote that kind of responsibility to someone elses life.
Me,
Im too selfish right now to think of anyone but myself.
I love my boyfriend. I think he is wonderful and I see a future for us... in the future... but the idea of betrothing myself to someone for eternity and never having another opportunity to be wild and crazy really scares the shit out of me.
I told my babanne and my hala that we had talked about it... but its too early. We would wait till next summer to see where we were at by then... a lot can change in a year and Ive never been able to stay with anyone for longer than two years.
'Oh the wedding will be next summer?'
thats the first thing my babanne asked me
'babanne, no... Im saying maybe... just maybe... I would be ready to get engaged next summer... the wedding wouldnt be for a couple years.'
'ohhhh but thats so far away! dont wait any longer than 25!' she told me.
Of course, this is not the only conversation like this that we've had. Every day a slew of relationship related questions fly at me.
what is Nathan like? What kind of a job does he have? what is his family like?
and even after I answer those questions (and the answers happen to be perfect) they say...
'oh he's not turkish... you should marry a turk... I know so and so's grandson... he is handsome and has a good job'
it never ends.

Yesterday, Im pretty sure they tried to set me up with a distant cousin named Onur. Onur is 27 and works in the 'public sector' (whatever the hell that means) and studied economics in Ankara. He likes to play tennis travel places, and speak foreign languages. He also spent some time living in Finland.
Onur also happens to carry a man purse.

I had met Onur at my cousins wedding the first weekend after I got here and he seemed normal, maybe fun. But yesterday, when he showed up at my Halas... he had this black leather bag with a handle on it. It was non descript and looked like it was made to carry one of those fancy cameras paprazzi use. I thought maybe he was planning on taking some pictures... which is normal. But as we were sitting there drinking our Turkish coffee and eating our baklava, I heard his cell phone ringing--INSIDE OF HIS MAN PURSE.

I may be immature... but this is just something I am not over yet.
We went to a cafe later where I ordered an iced tea... they brought the can and a glass to pour it in and I went to open the can... Onur stopped me and opened the can for me.
I suppose thats a nice gesture... but its a little much.
ew
So later, Batu came and met up with us and Muyitan, the chauffeur took us into the city, the first thing I asked was
'what the hell was the deal with the man purse?'
Batu explained to me that it wa the style here. I had heard that before and thought maybe that style had gone the way of the handle bar mustache.
apparently not.
Batu had also given me 4 verbs to write the past, present and future tenses of which I have been doing at work. While Onur and I were at the cafe I gave him the verbs to look at and he goes...
"well... this one isnt right... but other than that I give you a 10 out of 10"
I showed those same verbs to Batu and Batu laughed at me and goes... "well... almost every one of your future tenses are wrong, you completely forgot a tense here and what the hell does this mean? I give an F... and then I give you another F because I already told you about this tense and you made the same mistake again"

Turks are so funny.

We went to Taksim again last night and sat on the rooftop of this really old building. We had some beers and talked about how Batu didnt know Jimi Hendrix was dead and he drew me some pictures of an alien and a John Travolta look alike I work with. Batu also told me that his mom tried to set him up with a distant cousin... its apparently a popular thing to do. We sat around for a few hours and decided to go home around midnight. We were walking down the crowded street and Im walking, and walking and I hear a scuffle behind me, I turn around and there are three teenagers jumping on top of Batu.
Apparently these kids had been huffing ether from a towel on the side of the street and were trying to rob him.
I stopped, turned around
and as I was turning around, Batu somehow managed to throw them off of him.
I was really drunk, so I dont think I knew what was going on at the time.

Today was the day I decided I will never go back to Taksim... at night at least.
The place is full of freaks and weirdos. Esp after 10pm.

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 16:27:43 GMT

I am convinced that if American police drove on the Turkish highway, every single person driving a car here would be charged with reckless driving.
Aside from the fact that people completely disregard any kind of line drawn on the road, and aside from the fact that there are trucks blowing black smoke from their tailpipes with large pieces of wood flying off the back into oncoming traffic-- Turks drive as if they have no regard for human life.
Its like this one time my family went to chicago... and we were looking for our hotel, and we were lost... and my dad (who was driving the car) was going 85mph in the left hand lane reading a map and eating a chalupa from taco bell all at the same time... and no one in the car understood why my dad would think that was an acceptable way to drive.
I have come to understand where he learned this behavior.
in fact, Ive only been in turkey for 2 weeks... and I have come to understand more about why my dad is the way he is than in the entire 22.5 years of my life.
I understand for the first time, why he thought I was such a bad kid in high school even though compared to some of my friends, I was a saint.
I understand why he motions his hand like he's signing his signature at a restaurant when he wants the bill... Batu taught me thats what all Turks do when they want the bill at a restaurant
and I also understand how he is such an amazing person.
In my fathers lifetime,
he survived a bombing in his physics class in college
he survived a stabbing by a random turkish driver with a serious case of road rage
he survived an armed robbery where he was working when he met my mother
and he managed to survive poverty in America because he chose to travel here for my mom despite the fact that he wasnt allowed to go to Turkey for 20 years afterwards, and that he had only known my mother for 2 weeks.

My father is an unbelievable person.
He is frustrating and he has a terrible temper and every time I say "hey dad, whats up?" he answers "good" (even though I have told him a million times that you dont say "good" you say "not much")
And when I go to the grocery store with him, he thinks Im incapable of anything and shows me how to open and close a package of lunch meat

Its those things that make my father who he is.
The fact that he grew up in this country, where I have never seen people be so proud of their homeland before.
And the fact that these people are so gracious, and so kind, and so welcoming that they would give you the clothing off their back, or make you your favorite food for 10 days in a row, just because they know you like it. Its all these things that make me love Turkey.

I went to Taksim with Batu and his friend Ahmet last weekend. I didnt have to pay for anything. For me, the money isnt the issue. Its just that idea that there are guys out there who still believe in the traditionalism of chivalry. I had never met Ahmet before, we have no romantic feelings or history, he really gains nothing from our relationship by paying for my drinks, or my bus fare, but he does it anyways. Because he probably had a great mom who taught him to be that way.
Its the stupid little things that these boys do that makes me love them

I love the fact that Batu traveled for over 2 hours to come to my grandmas house and sit on the porch and eat fruit with me and teach me grammatical structures and treated my grandmother like she was his own.
In America, there are guys like that. I just never seem to find them as easily (Nathan of course is one of them)
Since I have been here, there hasnt been one day that has gone by where I havent seen something breathtaking.
Last night, Batu and I went to this cafe on the seaside and drank beers and smoked out of a hookah and drew funny pictures of random things for probably close to 6 hours. We talked about a lot of things and I suppose maybe I had never really listened to him before... and even though he said a few things I will never agree with and has completely solidified his friendship status... (the orange pop thing, the wanting a wife so he wont have to iron his pants, the fact that when he leave his service with the Navy he wants long hair and a beard) he actually said some very intelligent things that changed my way of thinking... actually, about art of all things.
He hates cubism.
So he decided to paint a picture of Jesus Christ... which he showed me via webcam (obviously)... and this painting is phenomenal. It looks like it came out of the renaissance period. Apparently this painting took 4 months of his life to complete and at first when he showed it to me I laughed for a really long time. (what Muslim Turkish boy would paint a picture of Jesus?) But when he explained his reasoning, and actually had an educated answer about why he did this... I actually liked the painting of Jesus.

This may be the longest LJ entry I have ever written and Im going to stop right now... because if I dont I may continue for years :)

Wed, 09 May 2007 04:23:08 GMT

i love him.
i just had to get that out there before i exploded

Wed, 02 May 2007 02:56:28 GMT

Yeah..
Doo-doo-doo, mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm..
Doo-doo-d-doo, diggy-doo YO..

I never knew a luh, luh-luh, a love like this
Gotta be somethin for me to write this
Queen, I ain't seen you in a minute
Wrote this letter, and finally decide to send it
Signed sealed delivered for us to grow together
Love has no limit, let's spend it slow forever
I know your heart is weathered by what studs did to you
I ain't gon' assault em cause I probably did it too
Because of you, feelings I handle with care
Some niggaz recognize the light but they can't handle the glare
You know I ain't the type to walk around with matchin shirts
If relationship is effort I will match your work
I wanna be the one to make you happiest, it hurts you the most
They say the end is near, it's important that we close..
.. to the most, high
Regardless of what happen on him let's rely

There are times.. when you'll need someone..
I will be by your side..
There is a light, that shines,
special for you, and me..

Yo, yo, check it
It's important, we communicate
and tune the fate of this union, to the right pitch
I never call you my bitch or even my boo
There's so much in a name and so much more in you
Few understand the union of woman and man
And sex and a tingle is where they assume that it land
But that's fly by night for you and the sky I write
For in these cold Chi night's moon, you my light
If heaven had a height, you would be that tall
Ghetto to coffee shop, through you I see that all
Let's stick to understandin and we won't fall
For better or worse times, I hope to me you call
So I pray everyday more than anything
friends will stay as we begin to lay
this foundation for a family - love ain't simple
Why can't it be anything worth having you work at annually
Granted we known each other for some time
It don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine

There are times.. when you'll need someone..
I will be by your side, oh darling
There is a light, that shines,
special for you, and me..

Yeah.. yo, yo, check it
It's kinda fresh you listen to more than hip-hop
and I can catch you in the mix from beauty to thrift shop
Plus you ship hop when it's time to, thinkin you fresh
Suggestin beats I should rhyme to
At times when I'm lost I try to find you
You know to give me space when it's time to
My heart's dictionary defines you, it's love and happiness
Truthfully it's hard tryin to practice abstinence
The time we committed love it was real good
Had to be for me to arrive and it still feel good
I know the sex ain't gon' keep you, but as my equal
it's how I must treat you
As my reflection in light I'ma lead you
And whatever's right, I'ma feed you
Digga-da, digga-da, digga-da, digga-digga-da-da
Yo I tell you the rest when I see you, peace

There are times.. when you'll need someone..
I will be by your side..
There is a light, that shines,
special for you, and me..

(I'll) take my chances.. before they pass..
.. pass me by, oh darling..
You need to look at the other side..
You'll agree..

Tue, 01 May 2007 16:17:50 GMT

T minus two weeks until I leave for Turkey.

I mean, Im going to be working in Turkey

what the hell

who does that?

In the words of Jessie Spano.... Im just so... scared.

Im scared of the plane ride
Im scared of my job
Im scared of my relatives making me feel fat
Im scared that I wont want to come back
Im scared I wont make any friends
Im scared Ill make out with webcam and ruin things with nate
Im scared Ill make a fool out of myself
Im scared that they might offer me a real job and Ill move to Turkey for real

I always wanted to move to Turkey when I was younger. I had these big plans I would meet a Turkish guy through my grandma or my uncle, I would marry him there and I would raise my kids in Istanbul. But now that this is all becoming a serious possibility, I dont know if I want to anymore. Im not sure I could live that far from my parents, and Im not sure I would want my kids to never experience things here that I consider childhood staples. Im not sure I want to make Turkish girl friends.
Turkish girls are scary!
They have been raised their entire life to keep their nose up in the air and to treat everyone with a very cold disposition. The nice girls in Turkey are the ones that dont make it very far.
Ive never been Turkish in that respect. It gets me into trouble, since the culture is so different, Ive always been smiley and friendly to everyone even strangers. They dont do that. If a strange guy comes up to you and asks you a question you shouldnt respond. Not for any religious reasons, but its all about the hierarchy.

Im sick to my stomach with stress.

This year has been the most intense year of my college career

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 22:31:04 GMT

I felt free
and right
when i ended my relationship with nathan.

How can you truly devote yourself to someone, when they dont keep your interest while theyre not around?
I liked him, he was awesome. His family=amazing. He spoiled the hell out of me--Im going to miss the constant flow of gifts he SHOULDNT be buying me
and i was gonna get a wii for valentines day :(
But
Im single
and this time, its different
because, im not ready to be in a relationship
im not excited
in fact,
i dont think its really hit me

Its difficult, because i love love
i love
it

I breathe it, i suffocate myself in it
I need it.

Things are getting big
so big, i cant contain them any more
i have too much homework
but its interesting
and i love it.

what a balance

not that im doing a very good job at it.

senioritis has devoured my soul.

my resume is badass...

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 21:38:04 GMT

When you see him again
Tell him everything that you told me
Tell him that I’m still your friend
And maybe you would like to see me again
I’m willing to wait my turn to be with you
But I still have a lot to learn about me
And no one’s sure if we should be together
But oh, when I saw you again
A beautiful friend, she opened up her heart and let me in
No, I cannot lie to you
I’m still in love with you, and I only wanna be with you
So when you see him again
Tell him everything that you told me
We’re more than friends and maybe we should start again
Maybe you could love me again
‘Cuz oh, when I saw you again
A beautiful friend, she opened up her heart and let me in
No, I cannot lie to you
I’m still in love with you, and I only wanna be with you
I only wanna be with

This song by sebadoh... it pretty much describes everything.

well. God God God. I need to get out of this place. I need to graduate. I need to move on from every thing that is holding me back. I need a permanent prescription for adderall. And I need to start taking control of my life... and making choices that are for me, rather than to make other people happy.
Nate got us tickets for florida this weekend. Aside from the fact that im uncomfortable with our polar opposite financial standings... im deathly afraid of planes. The anxiety has begun and i dont know what to do. My mom seems to believe i have an OCD problem when it comes to flying and if i really wanted to explain im sure you would think my reasoning was just as crazy as my mom did when i told her.
It all boils down to God and a series of mental rituals i have that i cant break free from. Which is so strange, because im not that religious of a person but i struggled with some minor OCD problems and years of severe anxiety when i was in elementary school and some time in high school.
Its like
I can force myself to get on the plane... but the second i sit down i start bawling and throwing up uncontrollably. Not to mention i dont eat anything for days before i fly.
Ive tried taking a series of medicinal cocktails involving muscle relaxers and blood pressure reducers. It did nothing. I feel like Mr. T from the A team and i need hannibal there to knock me unconscious.

There is too much and yet too little going on in my life for me to really explain much. I feel like im too old for school and other obligations i have repeatedly going on in my life. I want a real job where my ideas count for something. Im sick of being a 5th year senior on my way to 6 years. Im sick of running around like a chicken with my head cut off. And im sick of being emotionally tangled between casey and nate. Ugh. How dramatic. But seriously, im like some kind of a drug addict that cant break free from the cycle of my ex boyfriend. I wish he was more responsible and i wish he was more of a man.
Sometimes i do really bad things like call casey and talk to him for way longer than necessary. Sometimes i go over there and hang out with him and somewhat pretend we are still together. But whats worse is the dependence i still feel on casey, which is absolutley ridiculous since we have been broken up for a little over 6 months. Wow!I always feel like we broke up a week ago.
Since nate and i have been officially together i havent hooked up with casey but i never stop wanting to.
Its like, Case and I share some kind of bizzarro connection that will not die!!!!!!
Thats why this summer is going to be crucial for my emotional stability. Im gonna go to New York ive decided. Hopefully an extended period of time away from both boys will set me straight and bring into light, some kind of emotional utopia. HA!

I had so much faith if myself last summer. Where has it all gone!?!?!?!?!?!
AHHHHHHH!
Im going insane
Does anyone want to trade lives for a little while?

hehehehehe im wild

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 23:27:30 GMT

ahhhh

i have a boyfriend.
:)
and he is kind of amazing.
and funny
and cool
and charming
and an incredibly useful
entertaining
and free spirited individual.

he enjoys the fact that
im crazy
and wild
and i talk way too much about nothing important
and he sends me roses for no reason!
no boys ever buy me flowers :)

he loves my friends
and has his own
independence remains relentlessly important to me.

can i brag anymore?
God, im hopeless!
but ive never dated someone so FUN.

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 19:41:06 GMT

I miss him, i miss him, i miss him
and the fact that he is (probably) dating her
is driving me crazy

im the biggest hypocrite that has ever walked on earth
because what im doing is so much worse
but its hard
i know i dont like nate
deep down
at least not in the way i loved casey
but what if he loves her more than he loved me?
she is adorable
no one could deny that
and i can assume she is fun, and smart, and cool to be around
so i lack the one up.

he even took the ring back.
that hurts the most.
i love him

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 02:14:19 GMT

im so weird... sometimes, i really cant get over it
i mean, dont get me wrong... im content being a little more "free spirited" than some other people i know
but i think it dawned on me the other night when mckay and i got really stoned and sat around singing the phantom of the opera songs for an hour straight.
[im pretty sure she grew up in the bronx]

I hung out with nate for 48 hours straight this weekend... which was something i never expected since i had barely spoken to him on the phone for almost 3 weeks.
Maybe something inside of me has changed, but i really really like him.
I think somewhere along the line i realized how much i have been comparing every boy i meet to casey.
Nate isnt as liberal as casey, nate isnt as creative as casey... blah blah blah.
and then theres the whole foreplay thing...
but hey
he is a genuinely good guy, and he's cute and funny, he has a really good job and its the first time in a while that ive dated a man's man kind of guy. Its weird to date someone who cares about sports, but i like it. And he gets along REALLY freakishly well with my parents
OH, and he's latvian
and his cousin's name is Arturs...
infact,
Here is a photo

Im pretty sure he isnt human... he lives in latvia, plays the accordian and you cant tell here but he has one tooth and eyes that go in two seperate directions... and to top it off, he is only 65.
ahhhh i love arturs

Other than that, i had a really fun time this weekend. Jess, Nate and Nick R went out to PT's and Nick R quizzed us with garlfield trivia and saturday i went out with the russell brothers and nick rs girlfriend and watched the game and we all ordered the most ridiculous drinks we could find off the menu.
:)
I know no one really cares to hear this kind of stuff, but its really nice to be able to lay it out there for myself and re read this later in life.
either way,
i just wanted to say to everyone that i love you... all of you.
Thanks for being alive!

OH and how excited is everyone for halloween. Im getting a spray on tan... but im nervous, has anyone ever gotten one before?

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 15:31:28 GMT

fading out boys is hard work
im trying to fade out nate
not that i dont like him
i think there is potential to have feelings for him
if he would...you know... change
haha
im just not ready to be "in loooooooooooove" again. its too much work and effort
and i really feel like its a waste of time to be in a relationship where you arent in love with the person.
so im waiting...holding out.
i just need to chill out for a while
hang with my friends
live my life by myself and not share my time
im sick of the constant pressure to define myself
in every single way
everyone is in such a rush to put a label on yourself as an individual
as a couple, as a girl, as a student
why dont people just concentrate on themselves, their own happiness
living their life everyday to their best?
not that i do anything particularily great on a day to day basis
but i am wrangling a decent amount of control over myself.
in a good way :)
patience has really become a staple in my life whether it be through work, through school, through friends and family.
im trying to learn not to expect anything.
not in a bad way
just in a way where i know life will happen at its own pace and sooner or later
ill be ok
because everyone is self healing with enough time
you just need to relax
and have faith

other than that
my birthday was brilliant... until i got a sinus infection, which i am still struggling with.
i have the best friends, roomates, sisters on the planet. I can not repeat that enough
thank you for everything you did and said to make me have such a great birthday.
my plans for coming home... where i am right now... were sort of busted when i couldnt breathe anymore and my throat was raw. so needless to say i didnt go out. in fact, i didnt even see jess or bean OR nate... which i hope no one is pissed about. There are only so many hours in a day. and less, if you consider how much i slept.

either way.
i love you all
i truly mean that.

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 01:55:29 GMT

I miss him so much

but life with my best friend makes it easier
thank you for listening to me bitch and complain
i appreciate your friendship more and more every day
i love you kelly mckay

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 17:50:41 GMT

asking too much

i want somebody who sees the pointlessness
and still keeps their purpose in mind
i want somebody who has a tortured soul
some of the time
i want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery
or maybe just put it all to words
and make me go, you know
i never heard it put that way
make me say, what did you just say?

i want somebody who can hold my interest
hold it and never let it fall
someone who can flatten me with a kiss
that hits like a fist
or a sentence, that stops me like a brick wall
if you hear me talking
listen to what i'm not saying
if you hear me playing guitar
listen to what i'm not playing
and don't ask me to put words
to all the silences i wrote
don't ask me to put words
to all the spaces between notes
in fact if you have to ask, forget it
do and you'll regret it

i'm tired of being the interesting one
i'm tired of having fun for two
just lay yourself on the line
and i might lay myself down by you
but don't sit behind your eyes
and wait for me to surprise you
i want somebody who can make me
scream until it's funny
give me a run for my money

i want someone who can
twist me up in knots
tell me, for the woman who has everything
what have you got?
i want someone who's not afraid of me
or anyone else
in other words i want someone
who's not afraid of themself

do you think i'm asking too much?

i love how ani just... get's me ;)

im sick of juggling two boys... i want zero.

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 14:35:07 GMT

i always find it so weird
when you think of someone you havent thought of in a while
and then you hear from them...
like they were on the same wavelength as you

that seems to happen too often to just be coincidence.

so apparently, on a happier note, im not broke.

i find it confusing that i bought a book for $90
it showed up on my online statement
then i go to check a couple days later
and the book is gone and my $90 is back in my account

anyone find that bizarre?

i think i need more friends on livejournal
i have like... 5

lately i really have nothing to talk about
but i do wonder why im always the girl with the boyfriend
i just cant help it
my best friends from home give me shit about it all the time
but... im just not equipped for anything else
love is a wonderful thing

i miss my best friend! this picture is so old... i think its from sophomore year of high school when we thought it was acceptable to wear leather hot pants and tube tops and take a photo shoot.
hahahaha

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 05:07:09 GMT

school=insane

aside from a crazy amount of work that im going to be doing
i just dont know how im going to live

i need a job but i literally have no time for it
i dont even think i have time for all of my classes
but whatever
just take it one day at a time

Nate left for Latvia today for the next 10 days
kind of weird
but i really think im going to miss him
so why did i call casey this week?

boys blow... they are way overrated. and seem to cause nothing but problems.
id just like to think about how much fun ive had and school has barely started
i dont think i have stopped laughing in about a month and half
life=muy bueno

i found an amazing coat from anthropologie today
$328 dollars
HA
someday i will afford this coat
someday i will only wear clothing from anthropologie

this entry makes zero sense
goodbye

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 04:12:45 GMT

sounds like craziness
but i have never felt so free before
like for the last few years its been some clouded over
grayscale version of myself
wandering through my life.
im just so... me right now.

i just want to be organic
and undefined
im sick of putting energy into people
who never give back
im sick of lending myself
my things
to people who take it for granted

i just want to laugh and live
and think
exactly how and when and who i want to think about
i love casey
i love him so much
i respect him and he is hands down the most devoted caring boy i have met in my life.
im just not capable of giving him what he wants
right now.

maybe i wont ever be able to give him what he wants.
thats ok too.
i may just have too much faith in fate

but next on my list, i would like to date a nice turkish boy.
does anyone know a NORMAL turkish boy?
they arent hard to find turkish... but normal... thats a little harder.

Since i have no job now...

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 16:49:04 GMT

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING?
i was pearled... but then also suffered the curse

2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
2 years

3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
im pretty sure jessie bought me a sandwich and if that doesnt count as a gift... im pretty sure jess gave me her old water bong

4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?
ummm... yeah. I also chucked my cell phone on the ground while in a rage blackout

5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
we walked for literally 2 hours straight yesterday... and maybe canoeing on friday

6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?
lately its been bedding

7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
pizza hut

8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
clothing... hair... face... same as everyone

9. ONE FAVORITE SONG?
Its tied... Fiona Apple-- Love Ridden
and Eliot Smith-- Needle in the Hay

10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
East Lansing and Mt. Pleasant

11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:
Okemos High School

12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:
Verizon

13. FAVORITE MALL STORE:
i dont think any of my favorite stores are in the mall... I will say Ann Taylor because my best friend works there

14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD:
ugh. dont remind me... little caesars. Its really getting innapropriate

15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
maybe not me personally...

16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?:
yes. all the time. and that is the truth

17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:
Q and Katies in early summer

18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY:
Thats tough. I think i would rather send out a mass text message to everyone in my phone

19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND:
yesterday. We have basically been living together for the last week.
and then my biggens? since canada

20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:
Taco Bell... i love their kids meals

21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD:
hahaha um... how about ryan aprill... im pretty sure his life is just one big lie. His grandpa invented the wheel

23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
BIG BOI

24. CAN YOU COOK?
I love it!

25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?:
Oh its the beautiful Neon... the engine purrs like a kitten

26. BEST KISSER:
any boyfriend you have for a substantial amount of time

27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:
ummm maybe two or three weeks ago

28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS:
ANYTHING white and creamy... but to top off the list RANCH DRESSING. I have an avid hatred for it.

29. THINGS YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
Im very easy going. Im patient with crazy people. I stick up for myself and what i believe in, people dont really scare me.

30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
I have a pride issue that really gets in the way of a lot of things. I have a tendency to avoid talking about why im mad or upset if its someone im really close to.

32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?:
10 hours.

33. FAVORITE MOVIE?
Breakfast at Tiffanys or Sabrina.

34. CAN YOU SING?
I used to wear a sparkly vest, top hat and cane and travel around to different malls... seriously

35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?
Ted Nugent with Jess, Nick and Nathan

36. LAST KISS & WITH WHO WAS IT?
hahaha it was probably closed mouth... he he he, jk... or am i?

37. LAST MOVIE RENTED:
hmmm... jess and i rented entourage. not a movie, but hey.

38.ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT:
my keys... and my dna strand

39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT:
Well, Turkey... but im biased. Someplace i just really enjoyed? Lake Powell on Monicas yacht for sheez

43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?:
all i want is a laptop

44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?:
stand up comic? i have no clue...

45. DO YOU SMOKE?
I havent smoked anything in soooooooooo long, im so proud of myself :)

46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?
with clothes... i feel naked with out them. hehehe... after that joke, i think IM my favorite comedian

47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?
no one. its a lonely life being single. actually i LOVE it

48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?:
not with my past experiences... but i know couples who have made it work. Im too high maintenence... emotionally

49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE COPS?
twice... but still no tickets... knock on wood!

50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
Last month, i would have said pancakes... but something inside me has changed and now i love french toast

51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?:
I LOVE hazelnut coffee

52 HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Over Medium with toast and hashbrowns

53. WHO DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON RIGHT NOW?
liking people is exhausting. I think i have a crush on myself... its getting pretty serious

54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?:
Bean or Ben maybe. Oh wait, my parents

55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?:
Jim

56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?
its a picture of jessica's face... and underneath it says... "fug" and it actually is the most hideous photo i have seen.

58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?:
2... i arrange them in right angles... its pretty scientific

59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?:
my new pj pants and a black tshirt... im also sporting a gorgeous sun burn

60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC:
"she is beautiful, she is beautiful." is that by mighty mighty bosstones?

61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?:
Raspberry preserves

62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?:
I mean, i think anyone with two working arms can play pool... and i fall into that category

63. CAN YOU SWIM?
yes... i can float.

64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?:
superman... or pistachio

65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?
i would really like to decorate my room with a map or soemthing

66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF:
im easily misread.

68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?
I LOVE theme parties. I wish EVERY party was a theme party.

69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?:
Fall

70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?
i dont think i stopped laughing once all weekend

71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING ?
11am. oops

72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?:
christmas... or maybe the fact that no one can tell youre fat cause youre too busy bundling up to survive.

73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?:
oh... my MIP. but that was like... senior year of high school... 5 years ago!

75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?:
Kus... pronounced Koosh. Means bird in turkish, and ironically... it was a bird

76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?:
Cool, one of my good friends... caitlin meloche... she's a pirate and a down ass chick :)

77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND??
continuing the summer spree... friday the crew is going to a tigers game, then greek town and then saturday we are all coming up to central to go tubing and then sunday im officially moving in

78. BIRTHDATE
September 29th, 1984. Ill be the big deuce deuce this year. Shouldnt i be graduated?

79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE:
a professional wedding cake decorator... and after, a stay at home mom.

80. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
glen.

81. WHO IS YOU IDOL?
Taylor Hicks... hahaha

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 05:32:25 GMT

he he he
i had my first date

it was with Nate R so i guess it wasnt anything random.
but i had a lot of fun
and he called me tonight, just to... i dont know, check in or something. i thought it was nice of him, but i want that excited is he or isnt he kind of feeling
i just dont want to get into the "couple zone"
i'm so excited to be boyfriend-less

its only been a month and i love it!

ray and dana are moving to chi-town tomorrow...
makes me so jealous they are out there starting the rest of their lives (like i should be)
and im returning to mtp this month.
i cant wait to get out of my house and have some real alone time
in my own room
where people dont interrupt me and i can relax and listen to depressing music and just be

im so excited to see mckay (contitus) and linz full time and get wild and crazy
now that im 21 (almost 22) and single
welcome week is going to be a good one.
ive made a plan to lose 20 pounds.
when i say that it sounds kind of extreme but its what i weighed when i felt the best about myself physically and i need more energy
so i should probably stop smoking herbal cigarettes
since i have really detatched myself this summer from the stoned scene

:) smile.

im gonna miss my best friends so much this school year.

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 02:23:50 GMT

im single...

that is so weird to say.
i can't tell if im happy or not
but im know im nto really in the mood to confront my emotions
i figure i have enough faith in fate
and what is meant to be will be
so im not too worried
i figure i'll cry when i cry and i dont need to feel bad about it

until then, im going to concentrate on myself and what i need to do to make my life better

Sat, 24 Jun 2006 04:00:10 GMT

so much is going on in life right now
like im going through some major transition

i just dont know if im ready to make a real long term commitment to anyone besides myself.

i know that my friends from home have a major influence on this drastic change of heart
they are all single, they enjoy every second of it
they do what they want when they want
no one gets mad at them

they make me want to just be free
which has nothing to do with casey
he is wonderful, treats me better than anyone i've met

but i just dont know why i want to be single so badly...
im just scared that i am missing/am going to miss out on the best time of my life
this is the only time on earth that is mine and college is the only time i will have an opportunity to wander.
i want to move to Turkey when i graduate...
ahhh i just dont know what to do.
i dont want to date anybody else, i just want to be free
and i dont want to hurt him.
Tuesday i mentioned the thought and he started crying.
ugh.
something needs to happen to make this decision for me.

i miss my big!

I LOVE LIFFFFFFFFFFFFFE

Tue, 09 May 2006 03:34:53 GMT

ahhhhh
i am FINALLY home

:):):):):)

things have been NUTS since ive been back (only like 3 days) but crazy and fun
it just feels so good to be back

sat. Jess, Ray and basically everyone i know at state graduated so we went crazy at harpers downtown.
Nick Rs brother kept making me dance
i had to ride back to Nick Rs on Bens back
and im pretty sure somehow i wound up being spooned by a random indian girl on a chez lounge while jess signed my chest with a sharpie
i was coerced into smoking on the streets of EL
then jess and i stumbled back to the halfie and ate trailmix and drank bloody mary's till 4:30

since then i have been shopping nonstop and falling in love with David Blaine
who, unfortunatley did not hold his breath for 9 minutes

hahaha sam jess and i almost started crying
we are redic
for real

i miss life in the MTP
my big
who is crazy and makes me laugh so hard
esp. after we spend all night sitting in a circle with baby antwuan and eating mcflurries and basically anything else leftover in my kitchen
and i miss case
of course i miss case :)
i loves himmmmmmm

PS
who can NOT wait until what about brian is back on?? cause i know i can not!

Sun, 30 Apr 2006 00:31:09 GMT

fuck this shit

I am cool

dont hate
dont hate
just cause im WASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTED

WAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

my big is here
G2G

thats gayyyyyy

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 16:04:26 GMT

dammit

i always manage to overdraft my account
i hate the world...

and i need to get a job so i dont have to call my dad every 5 minutes for more money

i am such a moocher

He is so pissed at me
it just sucks because the online banking will be like "ohhh you have $80 in your account and then today i wake up and its like... you have negative $10

how am i supposed to know? i guess i need to stop depending on this ridiculous online banking thing

UGH